Two Stars and Chaos Down Below

This was originally a thought I wanted to write about at the beginning of 2025, not the end of the year. But here we are at the end (actually this was published in the beginning 2026) and it's still a relevant thought which means it’s quite worthwhile.

My thinking was that it didn't matter how I got to where I wanted to go as long as I got there. And I still think that's true. And I still believe that you can't plan greatness and I still believe that you have to be super clear on what it is that you want and what your goals are. But I now believe there can't be as much chaos to get there, or maybe it's a re-emphasis of what I knew to be true from the past and a misunderstanding of what the chaos part meant from the theme I went into 2025 with: “two stars and chaos down below”.

The two stars meant that I only had two clear goals that I was going to focus on achieving and anything else I did was just a means to achieve those two goals; the stars being the guiding light. Kind of like the book "Goodnight Moon” where the star is always there, guiding the character home. This mindset that I wanted to embody in 2025 was an acceptance that I continually reinvent myself every day trying to figure out what works best for me. ¹ I see this as both an advantage and disadvantage, as things often are in life. Seeing things fresh for what they are everyday allows me to be both novel and realistic - novel because a fresh perspective can mean a new perspective and realistic because fresh can also mean a discarding of the spoiled perspective - but at the cost of additional daily energy to think through the same steps. This is why I’m ruthless about setting my clothes out the night before and wearing the same outfit from a small set of options repeatedly so that I don’t have to bother with the decision. So, as long as I was clear on a very very short list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2025, I’d figure out how to achieve them.

This sounds easy enough (and simple is better, right?). But in doing so, two problems with this plan emerged:

How do I know what to do each day?
How do I do that thing consistently?

A north star goal to work towards doesn't explain what the work is. Although, yes, this was kind of the point. I've tried to lock myself into doing X, Y, Z every A or B period but I never found myself really believing X, Y, or Z to be the right thing after a few A or Bs - so this lack of follow-through was demoralizing. That explains why for 2025 the mindset was "I'll figure it out". Additionally, the chaos that results from "figuring it out" is great for creativity, but lack of structure kills consistency. So, now, one-year-later in my wiser and older form, I've learned to do two things to resolve those problems.

Do the singular, emotionally harder task. Find what's emotionally resistant, then make it concrete and singular.
Create structure with external pressure. I need structure - structured chaos with external pressure.

(1) I've realized the body has a fairly natural way of letting you know what it is you need to work on - more often than not it's the thing you're avoiding. Part of the reason why I think this is because I believe, to a certain extent, that you already know everything you need to know to do a certain thing. It's just a matter of doing it. Consuming more knowledge or consuming more information isn't the answer. One technique that I've used is simply answering questions like 'Would this make doing the other tasks easier?', 'If this were the only thing I accomplished today, would I be satisfied with my day?', and 'What am I avoiding? Why?'. Of course, I created an agent that lives in my terminal, has the context of my goals, commitments, priorities, and recent progress so it can facilitate asking these questions - and keeping me honest.

(2) Chaos is great for creativity, but lack of structure kills consistency. There had to be a balance. Structured chaos means that I have the freedom and adaptability to constantly change what those X, Y, and Z items are - not an omission of commitment, but a commitment to doing things with an understanding/acceptance that those things will change) while retaining the external structure to make sure that at any point in time I've got at least an X and method for doing them. I've figured that the most ideal version of this would just be someone always watching over me, a human someone, but of course, thats not realistic ². There are two ways I created structure:

Environment - I created an environment (away from home) that naturally keeps me on task and energized.
External Pressure - It helps when there's a consequence from inaction.
1. socially - commitments to others so I am held accountable
2. time scarcity - tight deadlines so there's a time limit
3. challenging - a goal that was hard enough and stimulating to keep me engaged
4. financially - i paid for something expensive i better make it work

More broadly, to frame it like a book series, 2024 was figuring out what I wanted to do, 2025 was figuring out how to do it, and 2026 is doing it. Seems like a lot of time, doesn't it? Well, the time passed anyway (and it will continue to pass).

All this to say - I'm excited. I'm excited for 2026. And I'm excited that I'm still learning. Next year I might write something that completely blows this up, who knows - I don't! But for now, it's working and that's what matters.

I've also made some other changes that I'm currently happy about, like no longer taking my ADHD prescription, because those changes are also working, too. More on that later. To wrap this, unfortunately I don't have a clever saying like "two stars and chaos down below" to visualize the theme of "doing the one thing in a structured environment with external pressure"...maybe there's a lesson there. Maybe not. Alright, that's enough.

I would be lying if I said that I have everything completely figured out and I had myself figured out. And I would be truthful in saying that I know these things will continually change overtime. I've learned some of the basics like how to create an environment that's organized and quiet to let my mind be fully focused or free to wander, as well as the eating and exercise habits that keep my mind and body sharp. I also cut out alcohol and weed a lot this year, not that it was ever a major problem in years past, but it feels great to wake up and feel like I have the power to do things. ↩
What's most realistic right now is that someone being linear algebra running repeatedly in a for-loop with access to the right personal context and tools to see and know what I'm doing - or, an AI agent. "AI agent" makes me cringe, so just: agent. But yeah, that. And you already know I'm building my own. Like I talked about earlier, there's different flows I already have working so then it's a matter of slowly bringing those into a platform. Building a personal "life-os agent" all at once normally isn't the best way to do it because what you do and specifically how you do things is only truly reveled as you do things, and you can't do all things at once. ↩

Footnotes